I cannot tell of the hours I have spent nor express the sadness I have felt over this one thing, small in some eyes but large in others, ever-changing throughout the ages but always present in each era, a trait with the power to dismiss and accept, love and hate, do good and evil. This subjective thing that I long for and worry about is being beautiful.
It’s never been enough for me and I doubt it ever will be, to leave the house with just a smile and not worry about the rest of me. There is always something more that I must do: a stroke of brush against my hair, a bracelet that I must add, a belt that I should wear, a paint of blush that I must put across my cheek. And even when I have these things, it’s never good enough.
I cry and I die a thousand deaths for the sake of just one thing. I try and I buy a million things for this look that I hope to achieve. But I’m always wanting, always looking, always trying for more. I am never satisfied. I am never happy. I want a thing that I’ve never seen. I want it so much but I never get it. And the more I try and the more that I cry, I wonder what do I want?
Is it whitened teeth and full, pink lips?
A tall figure with the finest build?
A perfect complexion and splendid cheekbones?
Hair that is smooth and beautiful?
Clothes that flatter my figure and make my eyes stand out?
What is it that I want?
What is it that I desire?
What is it that I try to achieve?
With my make up and clothes and efforts and tears…
I want all of this and more.
But I can never have it.
I cannot be beautiful.
The thought is depressing and for a while I believe it. The urge to change presses on against my heart, the lies that I am ugly crush my being and make me want to hide. The glass is foggy, it isn’t clear because Satan has become my mirror and tells me that what I see is fat, imperfect, and not beautiful.
And then, out of nowhere it seems, a voice from Heaven calls my name. He erases the lies, and wipes away the tears. He kicks Satan out, wipes the blurriness that the devil made and becomes the mirror. The glass is clear now and He tells me that I am all of the things that the blurry one told me that I was not: that I am beautiful just the way I am because this Clear Glass that is talking to me is beautiful and He created me and He can only make beauty.
And now I know what I want, what the beauty that I desire looks like. It is God, the one who created me. I want Him to rule my life more and more, to cleanse my heart and clear my smile and make me more beautiful. It is the Clear Glass that I desire and that I must look through to find my true self and my real beauty.
Note: This post has been on my mind for a long time and comes from a place deep within my heart. It was difficult for me to get up the courage to write this and share some of my insecurities with you but I felt God telling me that it was time that I wrote this and shared what He has been teaching me in this area.