Some days, I just walk down a path of imperfection and discontentment where nothing I do is ever good enough and no matter how hard I try I can’t change it. Sometimes it seems that it doesn’t matter that I do this or that…I’ve still got a list of more things to do before I’m done. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I wear or paint on…I’m ugly. Sometimes I try so hard to get someone’s attention…but they never notice me enough. Sometimes I want to be different cause me…well that’s just not good enough.
I put on my pink shirt and dark wash jeans but I tear them off, saying they make me look fat. I put on a white shirt with the same jeans. I add a cardigan and a scarf. I still look fat, I think. I want to cry but He stops me… “Just focus on me because you are mine.” I look in the mirror again with this in mind and all of a sudden, my outfit passes the test. I’m no longer insecure or unhappy because I know that I am His.
I cover myself in foundation and cover up but my face is still too red and the acne still shows. It’s ugly, I think, How can I go out like this? Again, I want to cry but He stops me…”Just focus on me because you are mine.” I look in the mirror once more with this in mind and just like that, the blotches and zits fade away. I’m not discontent and I don’t feel ugly because I know that I am His.
I walk into the room and see a crowd of people who I’ve never seen before along with a few groups that I do know. I sigh. All of a sudden, I’m shy and I feel like hiding. I can’t do this Lord! I want to run out of the room but He stops me.. “Just focus on me because you are mine.” I look ahead at the crowd and I smile. I’m not shy or afraid anymore because I know that I am His.
As we start to sing, I see a boy walk into the room. I blush, smile, and turn away. I start to think about him and going to him. Suddenly, my heart starts to race. I feel nervous and worried but He stops me…”Just focus on me because you are mine.” I look up at the words on the screen and I start to sing again, my full heart engaged. I’m not nervous or worried any longer because I know that I am His.
For a while I’m fully singing, listening, praying, and living in His name. I don’t worry about my clothes or make up, what others think or the boy behind me. I just focus on Him because I am His. But then the music stops…I remember my clothing troubles with a sigh, and hope my zits aren’t showing now, I feel shy again and I can’t help but feel something when the boy talks to me. I lose my focus and all of the feelings of insecurity and worry, nervousness, and fear come back. I am lost again.
Such is the days in our lives…getting caught up with things that really don’t matter in the long run and over-worrying about what we don’t have. Daily, I confess to losing my focus on where it should be and over-obsessing on things that I shouldn’t even think about. When I put my focus towards God though, I feel happy, loved, and secure…because I am His. So God, please help me to do this more…every second of every minute of every hour of every day in each year…Amen.
- In The Clear Glass (elizabethsjourneyhome.wordpress.com)