Change is peaking around the corner of my life at an alarming rate. I have to get a job, and I need to finish learning how to drive. I have to apply for scholarships and send in a university application and save my money. Next year, I might move away. I will be in a different environment, working and learning from strangers, hanging out with new people, and living a totally different life. I’m 17, I’m going to graduate, and move on…its invetible, I guess. But so hard and scary and strange at the same time.
There are so many things that I just don’t know right now. Like, why am I going to such an expensive university that I can’t even afford? Or, why am I going into a career with so little money to be made when I don’t even know if I want that career? Also, is getting married and raising children part of the plan? Is there someone out there for me? When am I going to meet them? And, what is the purpose of all of this? The questions are endless but the answers don’t come.
I think about my life right now. I do my school from home, pouring over the computer, a Biology text, and various word documents. My days are filled with cooking meals and washing dishes, playing the piano, singing, and pretending I’m Scrooge’s fiance or The Darlings grumpy maid. I go to rehearsals for plays and learn how to teach Spanish in a classroom and attend youth groups and church. There are friends that I see many times a week. I talk to them on Skype much more than I should and bake cookies and plan parties and meet for Starbucks with them. I sing and play the piano and work on a cherished novel and write my thoughts down on this blog. It’s mundane but contenting. I like it but I need to leave this life next year.
When I put these two lives together, one completely strange and unknown and the other the very life that I lead, I just get more confused. I love my days now but I don’t want it this way forever. I want to go to university next year, I want to be an actress, and I want to grow up but then again, I really don’t. I am confused. Just plain confused. What is my life about anyway, God? What do you have in store? Will this road be full of thorns or flowers? Can I even do these things I think that I need to do? What is next?
This time He answers. “What happened last time?”
It sounds vague but I know what He means. You went to Mexico and learned how to love and did things you were totally afraid of doing. You started this blog and became the writer you wanted to be. You got past insecurities and became a new, confident person. You got through a year that was horribly tough and made it better than any other year I gave you. You persevered, moved on, and excelled. But most importantly, where was I? Right there, holding your hand, and leading you through. What’s next? You know what is next.
And really, I do know what is next. Ok, maybe I’m still pondering exactly where God has placed me and why. Maybe I don’t know the date of my wedding or if there will be one at all or if this university thing is going to work out and if acting is my true goal. Perhaps I’m still a bit scared, apprehensive, and confused. However, beneath it all, I know what is next and that is so much more comforting than the worry could ever be. No matter what, God and His plans for my life are next.