Sometimes I just don’t know who you are anymore. Like I still go to church and write on this blog about your grace, but sometimes I have questions. There are nights where I say a simple prayer and try to fall asleep and mornings where I read Wuthering Heights instead of Isaiah. Because sometimes I just wonder, who are you, God?
Last week, I cried a few times. I suffered from insomnia for several nights. I felt exhausted, stressed, and sad. I worried about people I know and things I hope to do. And in all of it, I asked why?
Why can’t I fall asleep?
Why can’t I finish this assignment?
Why can’t I just feel happy all the time?
Who are you, God? Because you really don’t seem to be helping me much right now!
Yeah, I said that. Because sometimes it just feels like I’m having a one-ended conversation with someone who doesn’t even listen. And I wonder what is faith and why do I go to church and who is God?
Now, this is the part in the blog post where I usually write: and then I heard a voice say, “It will be alright…” But I’m not going to lie. This time, there was no voice. At least, none that I could hear. And so I kept asking, who are you, God? And where are you? I need you so much and you’re not there…
But He is. I still can’t hear the voice. But sometimes there is a song. Sometimes, I just start to feel good. I hear a friend say something, I read an inspiring blog or I finally sit down and open Isaiah and I know.
I know that God is good. That He loves me. That His mercy endures forever. God is my hope, no matter what. I trust Him. He inspires me to write these words. He gives me strength to move and live and do brave things. Yes, this is God. He is all these things and more.
Even in the silence and the dullness, God, I know you are there. And I will serve and pray and wait for the Voice. It will come. Yes, of that I am sure. For you are God and you are Good.