I was on such a roll last week. I felt like my blog was going so well! I had too many post ideas to actually post and I felt such a surge of joy to write. I thought for sure I’d have many more, insightful posts this week. But then, on Monday, I was rocked by two different conversations. Suddenly, life was new, strange, sad, and happy all at once.
Life never ends up going like how I imagine it out to be, that’s for sure. Everything is just so different. The vows I made to myself when I was thirteen are long forgotten. Even the promises that I made myself just a few months ago have been thrown out the door. Like I said before, I am changing.
Grief overcomes the world so readily, too. I don’t understand it. It seems so strange and shocking and makes me step back and wonder just one more time about who God is.
Life really is confusing.
I remember when I was about six-years-old or something, I was playing at my babysitter’s house and this boy threw a rock at me. It’s a really vague memory, but I still have this image in my mind. I remember that I couldn’t catch the rock and stop it from hitting me — it just came at me like it was out of control. I felt it pierce my flesh, too. My child-like brain imagined that it went right inside of the skin on my arm. I remember feeling like now that I’d been hit with this rock that it would never go away. I could not catch or stop it.
Sometimes, I feel like rocks are being thrown at me again and I am that same, helpless little child in the backyard. I feel the rock pierce my flesh once more.
There are days when the rock pierces and I cry. Grief overwhelms and the world weeps and everything stops for some. I wish I could prevent the rock so badly in those moments.
At the same time that I feel the sharp rock, a beautiful, coloured one from the beach brushes up against me. It’s beauty stuns me and I blush and grin. Yet these were the things that I once tried to guard myself against. I change and learn and feel so happy that this time I wouldn’t stop the rock if I could.
I guess there are just times when life is joy and grief at the same time. Some nights we can choose to cry or laugh. No matter what, the rock, whether sharp or coloured is thrown and we are the child without a choice. So let the rock fall into your flesh and trust the One who threw it.