God, I’m sorry. Really sorry.
You know just what my words are going to be, but I’ll say them anyway. It’s embarrassing, yet I need to share it now. Just like the pastor said, “the first step to making God your first love is confession.” So, confession time has come and I am on my knees.
Sometimes, I think that I don’t need you. I don’t say it like that. No, I’m much too subtle. But they say that actions speak louder than words and my actions are definitely like that. I say it in the way that I read part of my alloted scriptures in the morning, arrive half-awake to church one morning, and fall asleep before I pray at night. It’s clear in how I worry and stress over little things and try to fix them on my own. I reject you in the way that I treat others and the idols that I make in my life. I’ve disowned you. I’ve let you fall from the center. And I am so, so sorry, God.
It’s funny how I can go through life, days and weeks at a time, and try to do it on my own and feel like everything is going so well. But there is always some trouble along the way. I always seem to prick my finger or scab my knee. No matter how hard I try or how much I seem to succeed by myself, at the end of the day, I still need You.
In the dark of night, it comes back to me, whether I try to make it or not. When I forget to pray and think of other things instead, I feel a need for someone or something. And there, lying in bed, almost asleep, dreaming away, I realize that it is You that I need. It is You that I desire. I call for you to rescue my heart once more and I fall asleep in your arms. Oh, how I still need You.
But I need you in the morning and throughout the day and in everything as well. I need you in the good times and the bad. I need you at Spanish class and youth group and in my Biology test. No matter who I meet or what I do, I’ll always need your arms to shelter me.
So once more, I’m back at square one. I’m trying faith and love again. Take my life, take my pride, and have my heart. I’m going to try and I’m going to fail, but at least I know that I still need you.