Sometimes, I’m a hypocrite. I go to church, dressed nicely in my favourite red dress with a smile on my face. I sing the songs just like everyone else. My bible fits nicely under my arm. I even take notes. On the surface, I could look perfect. On the inside though, I’m rotting like an apple core in yesterday’s compost.
This week has been full of church services and gatherings, and I’ve had plenty of chances to exercise hypocrisy. To look neat and great on the outside, but sit there rotting on the inside. Rotting with shame, sadness, jealousy, anger, worry, you name it. Sometimes, my heart is so consumed with talking to a certain person afterwards or getting home to finish Biology, that the words I’m singing are meaningless. Nothing that the pastor says sinks in. You’d think I was a three-year-old, I’m squirming so much. Because sometimes I go to church to see me. I go for my desires, wants, and needs. I go to see myself glorified.
Church doesn’t refresh me on those days. Youth group is a miserable affair when I look for myself. Every time that happens, I leave feeling like a failure. I wish I could start over. Because the desires of the self are empty and foolish. I am empty and foolish on my own.
On Wednesday, I decided to go to church to see Jesus. Forget my friends, people who I want to talk to, stuff that I have to do later, and my needs, I decided. I wanted to see Jesus.
And so I went. It was funny, but I had to constantly remind myself who I’d come for. Not myself, but Jesus.
“You stood before my creation. Eternity in your hand. And you spoke the earth into motion. My soul now to stand.”
You stood before my failure. Carried the cross for my shame. My sin weighed upon your shoulders. My soul now to stand.
I felt like hanging my head at the shame, but the music urged me to sing on. And I thanked Jesus for His gift. I’d come to see Him and He stayed.
“So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the one who gave it all. I’ll stand. My soul Lord to you surrendered. All I am is yours.
I always feel like rising my arms at this point, but I never do. That’s just not my style. When the speaker came up and asked us to though, I had no choice. I did it. I was shy at first. But soon I raised my arms higher. If I came to see Jesus, who else should matter besides Him?
That evening came and went, as did many others like them. Some were good for a time. Some ended in feelings of regret. There were times when I let go and served myself. Those nights I felt bad and sick, but when I came for Jesus, I was whole again. So today and everyday, I will seek and find Him once more.
Yes, I came to see Jesus and He was waiting for me.