While My Head Is Spinning

I’m sitting at the dining room table. My laptop is on the place mat and my opened Bible is nearby. A water bottle, script, and a cellphone are sprawled out beside it. The butterscotch ice cream is gone and even my homework is done, for now. But I want to write. I have to write. At least something. I’m the author of this blog, after all.

The rain is pouring outside. I’m only glad it just started raining after my commute home. It was the first day all week that I didn’t have to use my umbrella. Inside my head, thoughts are falling just like the gentle stream of rain. However, they don’t drop where I want them to drop–on my empty “Add New Post” document opened on the computer screen–but keep flowing around in my overly crowded mind.

So what should I write about? God. Jesus. Bible. The Sunday School answer pops into my head–after all, this is a Christian blog. Discovery. Hope. Healing. Nah, I write about that way too much. Issues in the church. Sin. Freedom & Forgiveness. Again, everyone is sick of that, aren’t they? My life calling. What is that anyway? I create a document on Word titled “Wealth of Ideas” with five headings: blog posts, novels, short stories, poems, and plays. Yes, I want to be a playwright now, too. I guess I want to be a writer, by the looks of it. If only I could write anything besides a paper or answers to Spanish comprehension questions! So I click “save” on the document with little names under each heading that only I could understand–one day, I hope they’ll be written down for the world to see, but for now they remain my secrets. For now, while my head is spinning.

I’ve barely written on here since university started. In fact, I think I still have posts from August on my home page. At least from September. I don’t really know. Wow, I don’t even know? The thing is, it’s usually weird for me to even have a post from the last month unless it’s the beginning of a month. I normally write that much. But now, my blog is like a dried up well that spits up water now and then.

I guess I sort of knew I wouldn’t blog as much now. But I didn’t know it would be like this where I hardly even recognize my own blog header. See, I’m busy, but I thought I’d still be able to write on the weekends. And it’s true–I could make time or I would make time, but I just don’t have the words.

But that is strange, too because I have never felt more inspired in my life. Every day, God shows me another piece of the picture of what He wants for my life. Could I tell you exactly what that picture looks like right now? Oh no! Because that’s the other part–each day is a journey of uncovering another part of that picture. And in the end, my picture, I believe, will be very unique, but crafted perfectly by my Creator.

But these inspirations make me want to share them with others. Naturally, I want to write! I can’t tell you how many ideas I have–for novels, blog posts, stories, poetry, and plays! Every day, whether I am in class, talking to a friend, or just walking somewhere, a scene or a line of poetry pops into my head. But when I go to the empty document I just can’t write it down. Or sometimes I’m too tired to even open my laptop again.

But I will write it, sometime, I hope. I’ll make myself write everything because I feel that I must write. Just like I made myself write this post about absolutely nothing but my lack of inspiration and how desperately I want to write. Because somehow, through my ramblings, I have now finished a blog post. And I believe that somehow, through these inspirations, thoughts, and dreams, God will push my fingers and mind to produce everything that He has in store.

I’m sorry that I’ve been kind of non-existent here. I’m going to try and read your blog posts again and hopefully post on here once a week or so. Okay, that might not work at all — but that is the goal. Now that November is rolling around, the immediate assignments are gone, and its mostly a matter of studying…so we’ll see. 🙂

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