I’ve Been Awarded!

I have been given the Kreativ Blogger award. Thank you, Godzgirlz1! You are so sweet to think of me. 🙂

And, in answer to your questions…

1) Name your favorite song:
Small by Amanda Falk. It is such a beautiful song!!!

2) Name your favorite dessert:

Hmm…tough one, but probably chocolate cake. 🙂

3) What makes you angry:
Just injustice of any kind, really.

4) When you’re upset:

I usually cry, if I’m really upset about something. I annoy the people with me and say silly, over-dramatic things.

 5) What’s your favorite pet?
My dog. Yes, he is awesome. 😉

 6) Black or white?
I love black! One of my favourite outfits is a plain, black shirt paired with jeans, a scarf, and bow head band/flower. Black cardigans are also awesome and black dresses just look stunning to me!

 7) Biggest fear?

Hmm….right now, I’d have to say the future because there are so many decisions that I have to make about it. But I am learning to rely on God, not make too many plans, and just sit back and enjoy the ride, knowing that He knows best.

8) Everyday attitude? 

Generally, I am joyful. At least, I try to be although I often get pretty stressed out too.

  9) What is perfection?

I’m going to have to stick with Godzgirlz answer of Jesus. 🙂

10) Guilty pleasure?
Chatting to friends on skype…and blogging. 🙂

And the seven random things…

1. I have a red bible. 2. I have built a house. 3. My favourite colour is purple. 4. I have slipped on a wet floor and slid into some people sitting at a table in a restaurant. 5. I write about everything. 6. I like to wear skirts with belts, blouses, and thrift store boots. 7. Sometimes I am super shy and just observe people, while other times I cannot stop talking!

Thanks, Godzgirlz! You are awesome!

I’d like to pass the award on to anyone on my links page who would like to do it. 🙂

Changing But Not

The other night, my friend, Holly, and I were talking about how we missed each other since our play ended. We chatted about change and how it is imminent. We marveled at our coming graduation this June. I feel so young right now, she said. How can I be graduating? I wondered the same thing, too. I am changing.

I used to be weak and sad. In fact, less than a year ago I would have told you that I wasn’t very happy. Now, I’m joyful and so much stronger. I love to live, most of the time. I have many wonderful friends who make me feel so loved, although I used to feel lonely. I feel like a changed soul.

At the family get-togethers, I was once the child who eagerly unwrapped colourful presents and darted around the house like crazy. This year, I realized how different I am now as I watched my five-year-old cousin and her little friend take my place. Meanwhile, I helped make the dinner and ate in the living room. It was like watching the shadows of myself from years ago. And I thought, Oh, how I have changed.

This week, I will apply for university. It’s crazy. Just looking at the application I wondered how I could be doing this. How am I this old? Because it seems like just yesterday that I was a five-year-old like my cousin, dressing Barbies, refusing to eat turnips, and wanting to grow up so badly. Life changes so quickly. I just cannot comprehend it.

Some things change for the worse though. I used to read my bible everyday. Over the holidays, that changed, too. There was just so much to do and so many people to see. Feelings rushed through me and things just happened. It was strange. I didn’t know how to tell God, even though He already knew. I wanted Him to approve but I was scared. And so I stopped. I changed in the worst way.

Last night, I promised Him we’d meet once more. Today, I sang my favourite Amanda Falk songs that remind me of His glory. I read some verses in Isaiah and I told Him my thoughts and why I’d been so absent. And I realized, some things do change like your age and friendships and feelings, but God remains the same, now and always and forevermore.

So now, I’m changing…but not.

Good Enough

See her eyes fall, when she looks in the mirror/Never satisfied, with what she sees there/Will she ever look past her own perception/Cause she never measures up/To the pictures in the magazines/She’s never good enough/And she wonders why she cares.

Endless, Amanda Falk, 2003

That song used to remind me of myself. In fact, the first time that I heard it I cried because I knew that it was me. I wasn’t satisfied, secure, or happy. I did not believe myself to be beautiful, and I constantly felt like I never measured up. I was not good enough.

Recently, while listening to that song, I realized that I no longer identified with that girl. I didn’t shudder at the mirror, I barely compared myself, and I didn’t feel the need to hide behind a pound of make-up. I was satisifed, secure, and happy. I felt good and beautiful. What had happened? I knew that I was good enough.

It may seem trivial, but it truly is important to our lives as young women, human beings, and Christians. If we want to be happy, and feel beautiful we must realize that we are good enough. We must look past the myths of make-up and the perfect weight and models, and remember the truth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. We need to realize that we were created specifically by a God who loves us, for a very special purpose.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

And God doesn’t make mistakes. No, everything He does is meant to be and done well. He made us beautiful just the way we are. Whatever we may not like about ourselves, whether it is our height or our build, the colour of our hair or our crooked teeth, know that God created you that way for a purpose and He loves it. You are good enough to Him.

Journey Back To Passion

I was once a care free girl who laughed and smiled with few worries on my chest. I never missed youth group and I loved to volunteer at my church. I didn’t always enjoy school but I did love my Social Studies class! Theatre was my passion, singing was a joy, and playing the piano and cooking were dearly loved hobbies. I loved life and these precious things with great ardour. I never imagined myself abandoning them, especially not by my own decision. But then, I did not know that I would have no choice for my passions in life, though God-given, good and enjoyed, would be killed.

They began to fail as Situ, my grandma grew weaker. They were injured badly the week that she phoned to say that she would be going off of dialysis, a death sentence for her. Like a soldier healed from their wounds, my vigour arose with the news that she would not go through with this after all. My passions were shot again when I learned that she was now in palliative care, that she was on her way home. They bled as I said good bye to her through a storm of tears, and a choked voice in the cold hospital room and cried out in pain when she fell into a deep sleep that she would not awaken from. Finally, with the death of Situ, my passions were murdered, killed, dead.

I stopped going to youth group and I volunteered with a heavy heart. I shoved my textbooks into my school box and tried not to think about them. I would decide to make dinner or bake cookies but would excuse myself with tiredness. I kept going to music lessons and rehearsals but never did notes or lines resound at home. Only tears came, there was no laughter or joy, practice or passion. It had all been lost, all been killed, all been buried somewhere deep within my soul.

With the death of Situ, my grandma, I began to push away many of my God-given, well-loved passions.

But God restores and He restored me, slowly but surely.

It started one day at church with the sweet voice of my youth leader, encouraging me to come that Thursday. And I went, despite the pain, and God gave back my passion, He restored my heart.

The smiles and sweet giggles of grade 4 girls and the little “meals” made for me by pre-school children returned the joy of volunteering. I decided not to quit, God gave back my passion, He restored my heart.

The comforting words of my wonderful piano teacher and the sweet ripple of music from her hands made me want to play again. And with a Sonatina, God gave back my passion, He restored my heart.

God restored the passion of piano to my fingers and my heart.

The patience of teachers and pure God-given motivation led me back to my school books. Yes, God gave me back my passion, He restored my heart.

The fun that I had baking with dear friends during a visit to their house one weekend, the joy in the faces of my GEMS girls when they saw the green bowl that meant either cookies or muffins, and the words “they melt in your mouth” made me remember how much I love to be in the kitchen, how joyful baking is. With words and smiles, God gave back my passion, He restored my heart.

Friends and family members helped me regain the joy of being in the kitchen.

A talk with an amazing teacher and mentor, a casting call, a monologue, practice sides, and an audition made me realize my love for theatre. And through people and events, God gave me back my passion, He restored my heart.

Finally, after a month-long break, a CD by Amanda Falk, “The Music of The Night” from The Phantom Of The Opera and a very patient, kind and caring instructor, I wanted to sing again, and I could do it without crying. Through a wonderful person and music itself, God gave me back my passion, He restored my heart.

The journey back to passion was not an easy one: there were many tears and much pain along the way. I had times where I felt like giving up, times when I wanted to call it a day. But God is a loving God, one who gives as well as takes away, one who restores health to the sick, heals the wounds of the injured, and resurrects the passion of the dead.

For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord.

Jeremiah 30:17

He is also a God who works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) for not only did He restore, heal, and resurrect my heart, He also brought my passions back in a greater life than they have ever been. Yes, through death he worked to bring about a new fire, a new love, and a new life in my heart, greater and bigger than before.